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Transparency: August 1st

One would think that after having gone through so many years with the same feelings, something would have changed by now, yet, nothing has. Although I try to be as optimistic as possible about the whole situation, perhaps it was the bearings of my earthstrong that sent the rocks tumbling down on me, once again.
Chapter 8, I'm calling it 8 because it is my lucky number and if you add 2 + 6 together, wallah. I won't bother to explain this any further if you figure it out then kudos to you, and for those who haven't, well, I don't know what to tell you.
Anyways, today is the 1st of August, a brand new start one would say, a fresh 31 days to be, do and create something that will hail the month of August as one to remember. For some, that is exciting and as grateful as I am to have made it this far, I can't seem to stop this constant whirlpool of borderline-pessimistic thoughts in my mind.

Questions that I have been asking myself and still have no answers for:

Am I on the right path?

What is my purpose?

Do I have to choose one creative outlet or can I remain multifaceted?

Why does it feel as though I am not moving forwards?

Perhaps, these are questions that pose no ultimate answers, but I can't help but lay-wait some sort of epiphany.
I mean you hear about success stories and how they have to face mountains of tests before reaching a form of equilibrium. I want to reach my equilibrium.
So I sit and wonder if this phase that I am currently going through is my test. There are many times I want to throw the towel in and 'turn off my humanity switch' but I know one thing that is factual, and this is I am not meant to be just your average. And whilst I fail to believe this on bad days, it is something that sits at the core of my entire existence.
So again, that equilibrium...
I think it is my curiosity that keeps me going. It allows me to dip my toes in many ponds before I make a decision whether or not to dive in and for the sake of 'just in case' scenarios.

Even in writing this I feel as though I need some sort of conclusion but where does the end lie?

Point is, the journey is open-ended, there are unanswered questions, there are tests, there are moments of doubt but the clue is perseverance.
Maybe I am just writing this for myself if anything because these are things I need to hear right now, none the less, I hope someone finds something in what I wrote. Sometimes writing things out and reading them back to yourself can be of help to you more than you think. It may not make sense but my aim is to be as transparent as possible, hence this blog.
For further reference, there may very well be many more of these.

Note: Always, do you for you and put your sanity first. :) Much Love Tanny xx



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