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This Is How I Feel

Sometimes I wonder how people survive it all. When I hear of all these stories of how individuals overcame demons such as depression, alcohol abuse, sexual abuse etc. I literally commend them on the highest level of respect.

Cause here I am feeling like a lost soul, a lost cause, having been through what I recently understand is depression, emotional abuse, and some others too, feeling as though I cannot carry these burdens anymore.
My knees are buckling and at times I literally feel like I am walking through a hot dessert, can barely breathe, hardly moving, not being able to see anything other than sand and merely holding onto whatever hope I have left that there is green land and water at the end of the sand. Imagine that for a moment. Feeling as though you are suffocating in a crowd full of people, yet no one takes any notice of you. Is it because they are facing their own problems, is it because this feeling is normal in today's society or is it because I didn't scream and cause a scene?

Some days I don't know how I do it, some days I block it out and many times I cave in. It's those days when I cave in that scare me the most, especially if those days occur in the same order that just I listed them. After blocking it out, it's like the next wave of it hits so hard and it feels as though I am standing at the edge of the cliff looking down at the rocks that my feet accidentally kicked over. Feeling almost sorry that they had to go through the falling, but also measuring and weighing up how it might happen for me and what I will hit on my way down.

Is this my cry for help, maybe. At this point, I don't even know how to cry for help. I don't even know what to do.
I noticed that, as soon as I start to think like this, it instantly feels as though I am trying to balance a sumo wrestler on my head.
It's been years now, I don't understand how every effort I make in order to overcome and be out of this situation, only leaves me still stuck in it. And that is what hurts the most. Knowing that you are actually trying but nothing is happening the way you want it to.

I constantly question this...


Note: I haven't been posting much lately. It's not that I don't want to but I have so much going on, but please continue to check out my other posts and feel free to leave feedback etc. I am currently in many battles as you may have gathered from this post so please send some good vibes my way. Much love, Tanny xx

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