Made You Think 101: Am I Ungrateful?
As I learn, I grow both mentally and spiritually. I am learning to feed myself with positivity and consciousness, but in the midst of being positive, sometimes I feel so empty. This emptiness leads me to start questioning myself and my existence. Questions such as:
Am I enough?
What am I doing wrong?
Why do I feel so empty?
Why do I feel as though I am not getting anywhere?
Why is nothing working in my favour?
Am I ungrateful for thinking like this?
These questions swarm me when I let an ounce of negativity through my shield. Then I feel myself ever so slowly begin to shrink and retract into my shadows.
Sometimes I refrain from expressing such feelings to anyone because I don't want to come across as an ingrate. Then I tell myself that I have nothing to complain about, but this hollowness in my chest, stomach, wherever in my body, just doesn't want to disappear. It is such an uncomfortable feeling.
I try to keep myself creatively busy. So if I am not writing, I am drawing and if I am not drawing, I'm painting and if I am not doing any of those things; I am doing research or reading. Either way, I am very aware of when I am wasting time and try my best not to do so. But having said that, even when I am doing all of these things and is keeping myself occupied, there is still something missing.
I spoke about this feeling of something bigger than me that I feel is awaiting me before and I haven't a clue what or how.
I just get frustrated because something in me tells me I am better, and I am trying to be better, but reality feels tortoise slow and most of the time I don't know which direction to turn let alone what I am doing. I know things reveal themselves when it's the right time for them to do so and I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason as you know, but this feeling is so uneasy.
So am I ungrateful for thinking this way? I mean I am humbled to have reached as far as I have and I give thanks for everything I have and accomplished. But at the same time, I feel like this is only a micro portion of who I should truly be and what I should truly be and have.
I don't know… I've had this feeling for years now and it just seems to intensify as the years have passed. I am pretty sure I have spoken about it before on this platform, so if anything this is just a follow up from previous posts.
I can honestly say that it really does get to me from time to time but sometimes I don't even try to decipher it, just roll with the punches and go with the flow. I guess that is all I can do.
Note: Hi guys, I hope you are all well and being your best selves. I thought I'd share this post with you all because even though I have written about it before, it is still a persistent feeling. It sucks but I am powering through. Anyways, thank you for reading as always. Much love Tanny xx