Tuesday, 11 July 2017

Made You Think 101: Where Is Life?

The breakdowns are frequent now... I can definitely say every month without fail, I find myself not being able to pinpoint the reason for tears but just crying for everything.

And that is so fucking frustrating.

I feel like life hasn't arrived yet... I don't want to measure success or 'living life' base on what society deems as success and having made it because inside I don't feel like I have gotten anywhere. And whilst some may see this as not being thankful, I have this internal battle with myself of what I should be thankful for.
For life? Yes, I give thanks at the start of every 24 hours but I am equally frustrated because it feels like a waste, like I haven't taken a step forward.
So, this constant ping pong match is occurring in me. And I have began to internalise my thoughts, hence my reason for not posting, mainly because I don't want to seem as though I am being ungrateful. But inside I don't feel as though I have reached anywhere to be jumping up in joy about.

Where is life? I wish I knew. I wish I knew what it was.
I wouldn't have any reason to moan if I was sat at home not doing anything, but I have tried and have had many doors closed in my face.
I am blessed with talents and I am trying to use them but why is it so hard and why is there a part in me that always feel missing.

Many times I ask myself what I am doing wrong, cause I really don't know...

Sometimes I feel the need to be up high, sitting on a roof top but the thought of jumping always comes knocking strong and hard...

Where is life?
Why hasn't is stopped by me yet?
Why can't I define it?
What is this emptiness at the pit of my stomach?
Why do I keep breaking down?

I keep having these headaches that do not want to go away...
I keep zoning out, everything seems slower then...

I constantly ask why, hoping answers would reveal themselves to me...

Have you ever tried hugging yourself?
                                          ...holding yourself?

And telling yourself it's going to be okay having no idea what 'okay' is?

Note: I start this blog to share things with you all. They say it's okay not to be okay right? Thanks for reading... love you all. Tanny xx