Monday, 8 May 2017

Little Black Notes

I remember purchasing these little black envelopes at the beginning of last year, with the intention of creating something that I could to stick at throughout the entire year. Cause I find myself always starting something but I don’t tend to stick at them. So these black envelopes were to be filled with little notes to some up each month as the year progressed. 

When the year ended, I began reading through these notes. The first few months contained a lot of positives, filled with bubble of joys, such as my trip Manchester, Youtube videos that motivated me and other little bubbles of joy. But as I read through, the positives became less and less. Most of them were of me crying out for some sort of help, seeking answers to unanswered questions and just really trying to find myself in these notes. It got to the point where I finished reading what I had written on the month of September and couldn’t read the rest. I vaguely remember writing them, but these notes that I thought would log all the good stuff that happened in year were just sad. Filled with tear stained ink. They highlighted my internal battles, my cries for help, my pain and the constant darkness that I felt overshadowing my life.

The one good thing that I felt came from these notes was the ability to stay consistent. Although I needed the help of my monthly alarm and it felt as though I was cheating a bit, I was just happy that I stuck at it. 
We live in a world that is fast paced, so, many times we need alarms to remind us to do A or B and go from A to Z, but I was glad that I stuck at it. 

These notes just literally summed up 2016 for me. It was a year where I felt that I was in a dark place and I felt like what else could go wrong. I kept on trying to pull myself out of this darkness that was constantly trying to consume me and it reflected in my notes. When I first started off, I was looking for something positive to write, I was trying to search for those little bubbles of joy. I was sieving through my memory thinking what made me happy, when was I most happy and what little things I could put down in my notes that were highlights of each month. But as the months went on, I just wrote what I felt in that moment of time as I was writing each one. I wasn’t trying to remember the little bubbles of joy. I just summed up my general feeling for that whole month and most of the time it was depressing as fuck. And that is so sad. 
The whole of last year I felt like I was trying to claw onto something that was going to make me feel like I am on the right track to something. I was trying to latch on to whatever I could but it seemed like there was nothing there for me to latch on to. 

And right now, I am glad that I stuck at it because towards the late end of the year, I started doing a free-write every night. I only just broke the cycle, in the middle of last month. And I feel as though I have learnt so much about myself as well as proved so much to myself. 
I feel as though I am still trying to claw my way out of this darkness and I am still trying to latch on to something that will solidify whether I am going in the right direction in my life, but those little notes taught me consistency. I learnt to stick at something and see it through, and although they were filled with such sadness, they have enabled me to prove a lot to myself. And that’s amazing. 

Perhaps this free-write will sum it up…

Sometimes I can feel it
Searching…
Looking for something to latch on to
Sieving through past experiences
Coaxing me to look back
Pulling on strings that I tucked away
I try to suppress it 
So it searches deeper
I feel it stirring up in my stomach 
Tightening in my throat
As the tears stab at my eyes
I feel it jumping around as it figures out my weakness
Yanking loose strings
The tears roll
It runs through my body sending shivers
Memories come flooding back
It bounces
I crumble

It knows I felt it



Note: Whilst it is okay not to be okay, it is not okay to keep it all in. Release it in whichever way you are most comfortable. Stay strong. Thank you for reading. Love you all. Tanny x