Monday, 1 August 2016

A Whole Lot

Boy have I been going through it over the past month or so…
Feels as though I am under attack in every possible direction of life.
It's hard to even begin to write when you don't even know what to write about, not wanting to let your vulnerability scream out but at the same time seeking comfort in being able to offload everything onto someone. Yeah, that is also hard when you feel as though there is no-one to offload on.

Where to start…
You, I wanted nothing more than to care for you and to be that rock that I felt you needed.
I wanted to share your passion but there was just something that wasn't quite right.
The bond was like an unfinished piece of artwork. You know when something doesn't feel right but you are not quite sure what it is. Then you start to get frustrated because all you want is for it to feel right, but at the same time you are scared to change anything because it looks pretty decent.
Yeah, that was it.
We needed to change something on our canvas.
Have more faith in the brush strokes, trust, yes trust, that it may not look like anything now but it would be beautiful in the end.
But it's just an unfinished piece now…
I had pieces of my own, I painted for us, each day I grew closer to revealing it to you.
Just another brush stroke, I told myself.
I added and took away strokes, left areas blank in hopes that maybe you'd fill them in… somehow
Ah well… who knows…
Life is about timing right and masterpieces require patience.

I have this thing where I honestly don't like to have bad vibes with anyone. I will try to make amends even if we part, I'd rather we part on a peaceful note than… bitterness. It will literally eat at me until I make some amends.
I mean, what is that? Is that being a good person or just an obsession of some kind? Who knows..

I'm becoming more and more unsocial. I don't feel the need to burden people with whatever this is I have going on. I run through scenarios in my head, me at a club or just a gathering and the more I do that, the more I withdraw.
I just don't want to hear any of the cliches because I am way past that. .. or maybe they hurt a little cause I already know. I just don't have a clue how...

You know what I'd like?
I'd like to just sit and talk and talk, and maybe laugh, with a whole lot of crying.
I'd like this without being judged, without opinions, without advice. All I'd want is for you to listen and when I'm through, only then I'd like you to offer your insight. Not your judgment. Just words of encouragement wrapped in a whole lot of wisdom.
And maybe a good ole bear hug.

But what is life, if you have to tell yourself to step back up onto that pavement?
The car was inching closer and closer.
Is this it? I mean will this change anything? What are the chances? Are you really out of options?
Closer…
Stop being silly… just step up… life isn't over yet.
Then comes the waterworks…

We all have choices right?
Gosh, this stupid concept keeps slapping me left, right and centre.*sense my frustration*
Choices… wanting what wants you but going with something totally different because the path is easier, clearer.
What is life?
What is life without love, happiness and passion?
We wish these things upon ourselves but always run away from the consequences it takes to have them wholeheartedly in their purest forms.
Why is the easiest route so appealing?
And why do we choose it but expect the same outcome and same feeling of accomplishment?
Things that come easy are of less value, less meaning and goes as easy as they come.
Notice that even when we have choices, the ultimate decision is rarely made wholeheartedly by you.
Remember to be selfish sometimes with these choices.
After all, it's your life and you facing the consequences, both good and bad.

Feelings… don't you wish you could turn then off sometimes?

Note: My lovely people. Thank you all for visiting my blog. I rant, I express and I moan but whatever I do, it's coming from deep within. Hope you are all well. Much love Tanny x