Tuesday, 11 July 2017

Made You Think 101: Where Is Life?

The breakdowns are frequent now... I can definitely say every month without fail, I find myself not being able to pinpoint the reason for tears but just crying for everything.

And that is so fucking frustrating.

I feel like life hasn't arrived yet... I don't want to measure success or 'living life' base on what society deems as success and having made it because inside I don't feel like I have gotten anywhere. And whilst some may see this as not being thankful, I have this internal battle with myself of what I should be thankful for.
For life? Yes, I give thanks at the start of every 24 hours but I am equally frustrated because it feels like a waste, like I haven't taken a step forward.
So, this constant ping pong match is occurring in me. And I have began to internalise my thoughts, hence my reason for not posting, mainly because I don't want to seem as though I am being ungrateful. But inside I don't feel as though I have reached anywhere to be jumping up in joy about.

Where is life? I wish I knew. I wish I knew what it was.
I wouldn't have any reason to moan if I was sat at home not doing anything, but I have tried and have had many doors closed in my face.
I am blessed with talents and I am trying to use them but why is it so hard and why is there a part in me that always feel missing.

Many times I ask myself what I am doing wrong, cause I really don't know...

Sometimes I feel the need to be up high, sitting on a roof top but the thought of jumping always comes knocking strong and hard...

Where is life?
Why hasn't is stopped by me yet?
Why can't I define it?
What is this emptiness at the pit of my stomach?
Why do I keep breaking down?

I keep having these headaches that do not want to go away...
I keep zoning out, everything seems slower then...

I constantly ask why, hoping answers would reveal themselves to me...

Have you ever tried hugging yourself?
                                          ...holding yourself?

And telling yourself it's going to be okay having no idea what 'okay' is?

Note: I start this blog to share things with you all. They say it's okay not to be okay right? Thanks for reading... love you all. Tanny xx

Sunday, 2 July 2017

The Start of The Best Month

Hey guys

First thing's first, I want to thank everyone who has kept visting my blog even though I have somewhat abondoned you guys over the past month or so.
Though I haven't been posting much, I still do write and I am active more so on my Instagram page (@artbytannytizzle) and also on Twitter (@TannyTizzle). So you guys can go follow me on them and I do follow back.
I would also like to apologise for the distance. This blog was created as a platform to vent and just put my feelings out there for anyone who could relate. I wanted to hug people who were feeling somewhat the same as me with my words. Though I haven't had many people post comments, I have recieved feedback on the blog posts and how they have helped people in different situations. And I love that. That was the aim, so to have readers come to me and tell me such things absolutely warms my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I love that I am helping people.

Right, so as I said I have been busy, mainly with general life battles and things but I have been trying to push my art and really establish myself in the creative world. More details to come on that.

I just wanted to check in with you all and let you know I am still here and will come out of ghost mode soon and resume my writing, especially the "Made You Think 101" series.

Anyways hope you are all well and doing you for you. Love you all Tanny xx

Note: Be sure to follow my social media pages. Thank you x

P.S. It is the start of the best month, my birthday month :) And I plan to keep going and keep doing me. To all the July babies, hope you all have an awesome month. :) 

Monday, 8 May 2017

Little Black Notes

I remember purchasing these little black envelopes at the beginning of last year, with the intention of creating something that I could to stick at throughout the entire year. Cause I find myself always starting something but I don’t tend to stick at them. So these black envelopes were to be filled with little notes to some up each month as the year progressed. 

When the year ended, I began reading through these notes. The first few months contained a lot of positives, filled with bubble of joys, such as my trip Manchester, Youtube videos that motivated me and other little bubbles of joy. But as I read through, the positives became less and less. Most of them were of me crying out for some sort of help, seeking answers to unanswered questions and just really trying to find myself in these notes. It got to the point where I finished reading what I had written on the month of September and couldn’t read the rest. I vaguely remember writing them, but these notes that I thought would log all the good stuff that happened in year were just sad. Filled with tear stained ink. They highlighted my internal battles, my cries for help, my pain and the constant darkness that I felt overshadowing my life.

The one good thing that I felt came from these notes was the ability to stay consistent. Although I needed the help of my monthly alarm and it felt as though I was cheating a bit, I was just happy that I stuck at it. 
We live in a world that is fast paced, so, many times we need alarms to remind us to do A or B and go from A to Z, but I was glad that I stuck at it. 

These notes just literally summed up 2016 for me. It was a year where I felt that I was in a dark place and I felt like what else could go wrong. I kept on trying to pull myself out of this darkness that was constantly trying to consume me and it reflected in my notes. When I first started off, I was looking for something positive to write, I was trying to search for those little bubbles of joy. I was sieving through my memory thinking what made me happy, when was I most happy and what little things I could put down in my notes that were highlights of each month. But as the months went on, I just wrote what I felt in that moment of time as I was writing each one. I wasn’t trying to remember the little bubbles of joy. I just summed up my general feeling for that whole month and most of the time it was depressing as fuck. And that is so sad. 
The whole of last year I felt like I was trying to claw onto something that was going to make me feel like I am on the right track to something. I was trying to latch on to whatever I could but it seemed like there was nothing there for me to latch on to. 

And right now, I am glad that I stuck at it because towards the late end of the year, I started doing a free-write every night. I only just broke the cycle, in the middle of last month. And I feel as though I have learnt so much about myself as well as proved so much to myself. 
I feel as though I am still trying to claw my way out of this darkness and I am still trying to latch on to something that will solidify whether I am going in the right direction in my life, but those little notes taught me consistency. I learnt to stick at something and see it through, and although they were filled with such sadness, they have enabled me to prove a lot to myself. And that’s amazing. 

Perhaps this free-write will sum it up…

Sometimes I can feel it
Searching…
Looking for something to latch on to
Sieving through past experiences
Coaxing me to look back
Pulling on strings that I tucked away
I try to suppress it 
So it searches deeper
I feel it stirring up in my stomach 
Tightening in my throat
As the tears stab at my eyes
I feel it jumping around as it figures out my weakness
Yanking loose strings
The tears roll
It runs through my body sending shivers
Memories come flooding back
It bounces
I crumble

It knows I felt it



Note: Whilst it is okay not to be okay, it is not okay to keep it all in. Release it in whichever way you are most comfortable. Stay strong. Thank you for reading. Love you all. Tanny x

Tuesday, 21 March 2017

Be Careful

Be careful who you open your heart to
With whom you share your thoughts too
Not all intentions are pure
So be sure
Be careful who you let into your sacred place
That place that keeps a smile on your face
Where you go in your attempts to escape
When the world reminds you that it's not a nice place
Be careful whose shoulder you lean on
And who you reach out to for assistance when you don't feel strong
Cause most people only have one aim
And that's to somehow gain
Gain whatever they can for themselves
So be careful where you direct your cries for help


Note: Because it is World Poetry Day, I felt that I needed to post something. So here is a little poem that I wrote this morning. Hope all of my readers are well, looking after their health and protecting their inner peace. Thank you for reading. Love you all. Tanny x

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Made You Think 101: Applaud Your Damn Self

Many times I come on here with the intention to post and I'll have mountains of thoughts swimming around in my head but constructing sentences pose to be a task. So, I will open up a new post, start writing and in the middle of doing so, my mind drifts off into something else. When that happens I find it a bit hard to go back to what I am writing. The flow of the writing then becomes forced, which ultimately leads to me saving the post as a draft with the intention to go back to it, only thing is... I never do.
This seems like a habit of mine, not one that I particularly like because it is rather bittersweet. I say this because the intention is there, so is the beginning of the execution and all that is missing is the consistency to carry on through to the ending.
Does that mean I get half a brownie point?
All jokes aside, I just can't quite put my finger on it as to why I start off so well but can't seem to end on the same stimulus.

Main thing is I am here now, and I aim to end this one, so I am pushing on through.

Do you ever feel like you have something in you that is itching to be released?
You feel it almost bouncing around inside, almost like a ball of fire. It's fascinating because this is how I feel whenever I go to write. When I open up notepad on my phone, when I am typing in word, when I go to make a post and even when I open up voice notes. Usually if words come to me too fast, I tend to just record them instead of trying to remember to write them down because half of the time I forget.
But back to this ball of fire. All I know is, it is something that is way bigger than me, in the sense that when it is released, I feel as though it will create a domino effect but in a good way. I think that makes sense. It is hard trying to explain it but it is a feeling that in way beyond me but inside of me that wants to familiarise itself with the world/universe. If anyone else is reading this and feels somewhat similar, I'd love to hear about it.

Anyways, I don't think I had a point for this post except to prove to myself that I can make it all the way to the ending. Isn't it an awesome feeling when you doubted yourself at the beginning of a task only to make it through to the end. Then, when it is all over and done, you look back, filled with joy wrapped in disbelief that you actually did it. In moments like these applaud yourself, no little pats on the back, I mean full exploding palms kisses of self satisfaction. Let your ego take the limelight and bask in that moment for as long as you need to.
I say this because I find that in this day and age, people do to not give themselves enough credit. If it is not acknowledged by an outer source, it is not acknowledge within and this is where a lot of us go wrong.

So...

Number 1. Don't doubt yourself in the first place
              2. Push on through, consistency is crucial (mental note)
              3. Applaud your damn self with exploding palm kisses
              4. Let your ego take flight
              5. Don't back track

And what do you know, I made it to the end. *exploding palm kisses* And it seems like there was a point to this post after all… applaud your damn self.

Note: Hey guys. Hope you are all well? How is 2017 treating you thus far? Good, I hope. Continue learning and finding out about yourselves. As always, I appreciate it if you took time out to read anything on my blog. Much love. Tanny x

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Him

He
Him
King
The one I want to rule my kingdom
To take my place in his
To be presented with the most sought after crown
To reach heights together
Battle fights together
Grow princes and princesses
Have a bond that with time strengthens
Him
He
My king to be


Note: Hey loves, this is just a quick little around post. A bit of my poetry and artwork with an edited video. Hope you like it. :) Be sure to follow my Instagram @artbytannytizzle to find more of my artwork on there and also catch me on twitter @tannytizzle. Also, have a look at the videos on my Youtube page, TannyTizzle. Hope you are all well. Thanks for reading. Much love Tanny x

Thursday, 9 February 2017

Made You Think 101: Faith In Humanity

Every time I create a blog post, I vouch that I will post more often but still I don't. I don't like to feel as though I am making excuses but honestly I don't like to feel forced in doing so, so I just don't. But this post isn't about addressing my lack of posting, so let's cut to the chase.


They say God works in mysterious ways and I am the type of person who has to see it to believe it and I have been leaning towards the non-believer side for quite some time now.
But this isn't just because of lack of proof but just in a general attempt to detach myself from the belief system that I was brought up with in the attempts of finding my own purpose and truths.
So I have been sceptical, questioning everything and slightly heading in the direction of an atheist.

On Sunday, Feb 5th, I did something out of the ordinary that I haven't done for a long while.

I posted a somewhat personal status on Facebook!

Prior to posting it, I really don't recall what was going through my mind but once I hit that post button, I instantly felt the need to delete it. The only thing that stopped me was a voice in my head saying "you can't do everything on your own, sometimes you need help". Though it wasn't a cray for help. I wasn't really looking for a response to the post but I only kept it posted because of that voice in the back of my head.
To my surprise, I received a couple messages because of that post. And I ended up having a Tarot reading by Namz (Facebook Page). It was weird because my post hinted at my need to gain some form of clarity and answers in my life, so when I was going through the Tarot reading with Namz, I was close to tears because everything that she said was on point. A Tarot reading isn't something that I would just seek out on a regular day but this wasn't a regular day and I have been seeking answers, searching for myself and my purpose for some time now, so I jumped at the opportunity. If you need some reassurance or even doing some self seeking as I am, you should definitely check her out, I linked her Facebook page above.
In another message, I also had someone reassure me that I need to seek help and drew on their own personal experiences, which I found so touching. I really appreciated that.

Today, Thursday, Feb 9th, my day started out by being able to lay out all my skills on the table and talk about me, what I can do and ideas I had. I felt that it was a long overdue talk, and being able to share the part of me that I tend to keep confined to the box of my gallery decorated bedroom was just an amazing feeling. And to also be told that my work is amazing, I felt like the kid I was when I use to go to the ice-cream shop on a Sunday. A brick fell off of my shoulder.
But as awesome as the day began, it went through a grey area, as things do before I was completely at lost for words.

This is where my faith was restored in humanity.

To keep it short and sweet, accompanied by my sister, we were trying to get from A to B. We managed to get part way but realised the final destination was not as easy accessible as we thought. So, I approached a lady and asked for directions, in which she began telling me and pointing out but she stopped herself and said "I'll just drop you". *Jaw hits the floor* I had to check and double check that I was hearing right and I asked and re-asked if she was sure.
This lady was God fearing, due to how she spoke it was as clear as day that she was a strong believer. She actually said that God told her to.
My thing is this, my relationship with God has been borderline non-existent for ages now. And since that reading, I feel as though signs are dropping everywhere. But let me stress this, in no way shape nor form did the reading touch upon anything to do with God. What she did say was "you are coming into the essence of who you are" and whilst I believe there is a God, I don't agree with many of the teachings in the guide book (Bible). I just know that the events of today did not happen for no reason. That lady might well have been an angel in disguise and as cliche as this may sound, I was touched my the embrace of an angel. *Butter melts*

My faith in humanity has somewhat been restored. As I sit here writing this I keep going over what actually happened in my head. We even offered to give her gas money but she refused. All she asked was that we prayed for her niece. I really cannot remember the last time I got down on my knees but tonight will not be a night where my knees don't kiss the floor. And if you are reading this, please, I ask you to pray for this lady's niece, pray that she returns to good health and that God continues to watch over her and her family. I as well as she, would very much appreciate it.

I can say that after today, I need to really sit and evaluate my beliefs because I have been presented with the proof. I need to have more faith not just in myself, but in God and the universe. I took a step, so the universe took a step too, pretty soon we will be engulfed in a tango and I do like to move. *cheesy grin*

This just goes to show that as evil as the world seems to be, there is that percent of good which outweighs all.

And even after writing all that you just read, can you believe…

I am still lost for words.


Note: To all my readers, continue to grow and seek your truths. Thank you for reading and love always. Tanny x

Sunday, 15 January 2017

Tell Me Yours

Tell me yours
No, tell me yours
Let's load each others' guns
Secret stuffed bullet chambers
Cocked and aimed 
At our naked truths
Who pulls first
Or do we get buried with the shells
Barrels against each others' temples
Just as we whisper the bullets into each others' ears
Tell me yours
No, tell me yours
Arm me with the bullet that will kiss your forehead 
And another that will slice through your torso
Trust me with your life
Let me carry the weight on my limp shoulders
Let me walk around hunched over 
Afraid to straighten up
For fearing the words will slide right off 
Dangle the temptation that will cause me to open my month
Present me with something my sweet tooth cannot resist
Corner me with no ultimatum 
Now tell me yours
I told you mine
So the click is the sound that awaits my eardrums
Or rather the last sound to penetrate yours
But I learnt how to dodge bullets
Because to me they never existed



Note: I know, I know. It's been a minute since I posted a poem. Well, here is the first one for 2017. Make of it what you will. Also, be on the lookout for more. Much Love Tanny xx

Sunday, 1 January 2017

No U-Turns Please… 2017!!!!!!!

Before most blog posts, I usually have an idea about what I want to write about. Then I will start writing and allow the words to take their course, concluding with an overall message.
But, right now I feel like I have so much to say that I don't even know where to begin.

So, 2016…
I am calling it the year of death… Death was highlighted across the year, it was so prevalent, it was almost unreal. I mean people die every year unfortunately, but I felt like so much more people died this year. So many disasters, bombings, shootings, you name it (no pun intended). And so many famous people died as well.

2016 is also the year that anything and everything happened. If you didn't have a moment where you literally said these words to yourself "OMG! What next?", then I will actually find it hard to believe you.
It seemed to be the year where the unimaginable and impossible sneaked up and slapped us in our faces, like, 'Yeah, I just did become reality and it turns out I was possible', you know what I mean?
It was a crazy year and I'm pretty sure most, if not everyone can attest to that in some way, shape or form.

But for me…

My oh my…

2016 was an emotional rollercoaster. I don't think I have ever cried so much, been to the hospital so much or felt so suicidal in my life. I felt like I was going to break. I think my lowest was when, I found myself walking in the road towards on coming traffic. I think an inner voice told me to get out the road because I was not listening to my mind.
It was that deep.

BUT!

I have learnt a lot in 2016, so much about myself and I still have so much more to learn.
I stepped away from a lot of people to be honest, not because they did anything wrong but because I have been trying to figure myself out. I kept all my problems to myself and fought battles no one even knew existed in my life. Sometimes that is the best way to be.
I may have hurt a few people along the way but that was never my intention. Tension has been running high and my patience was dangerously low.

The one thing that I desperately wanted to change in 2016 was where I work, I wanted to be in a different job but that blessing has not found me as yet. So I will continue being a robot until I have a chance to be working in a environment that allows me to utilise my creativity.

It was not an all bad year, the highlight for me was definitely everything surrounding the Gallery 37 Poetry Camp that I did. I met some incredibly talented people and felt like I belonged in a place that emits so much creative and productive energy. So, I am thankful that I got to be a part of that.
I also did a lot of painting and writing last year. Again, being able to keep that creative side of me alive has been the one thing that has kept me somewhat afloat.

Now you… yes you… 2017…
I am a little afraid to say I am ready but I feel somewhat prepared.
I feel positive, I have started started the year off in good vibes and I hope to carry this throughout 2017 and years to come.

Note: I wish you all a prosperous 2017, please continue to believe in yourselves and strive to be the best versions of you. Love you all and thank you, for all of your continued support. Tanny x

Saturday, 17 December 2016

Checking In, Videos, Painting, Writing Etc

Hey guys…

Hope you are all well and looking forward to the holidays…

I'm not in much of a festive spirit, but I wanted to come on here to check in with you all.

I can't tell you all how much I appreciate you all for reading my blog, even when I haven't posted in weeks, I still see you all visiting my blog and that warms my heart.

I planned to focus more on my blog throughout 2016 and the year started great but now towards the end of the year my artwork has been in the spotlight as well as my writing but I just haven't posted it.

My thoughts and emotions have been all over the place, so I took time out from making posts on here to going back to the old fashioned way and writing in a free writer. And I have been loving it. I will share some with you in the future, hopefully.

In fact, here is a video that I did…


The poem is called 'Roses are Beautiful'

Okay, so a bit of background story about the poem…

One day I was feeling creative and I wanted to doodle. So, I started to scribble some circles on a piece of paper and I realised after I finished doing like a 5 second scribble, that the circles looked like the petals of a rose. I then turned it into a rose, you know drawing the stem , thorns and a few leaves. Once, I did that, words started to formulate in my head until I ended up with a poem.
I mean you all might read this and half believe me, but seriously, this is literally how this poem came about.
The idea of the video evolved because I was thinking about combining both poetry and art and a few people suggested various ways I could do this. So, I attempted to paint whilst recording myself and whilst listening to the words of my poem to see where that would lead me. And, well, wallaaaa. There you have it.

Here is picture I painted in the video… You can interpret it along with the poem in whichever way you want to. You can take from this piece what you will…






































I hope to do more like this in the future like I said and I will hopefully post them.

In other news, I am thinking about doing a shake up on my blog in the coming year, so be on the look out for that as well.

If you want to view more of my artwork, you can follow my Instagram page @artbytannytizzle.

Other social medias:
Twitter: @TannyTizzle
FB: TannyTizzle (Perfectly Different)
Youtube: TannyTizzle

Note: I love you all so much and remember to stay doing you for you. I appreciate you all reading my blog and I hope you share it if you find something that you like or is useful. Much Love Tanny xx